Day one

Yesterday I had coffee with Dan. At first it was weird, then it was difficult, then finally, I realized that things had changed. We had both become drastically different people.
I remember Dan being overbearing, overprotective and he would feel no shame in looking through every thing I had ever said, done, or thought (in blog form, e-mails, facebook, etc.).
I always felt like that was an invasion of my privacy and learned not to do or say anything if I thought he would be hurt by it.
Which brings me to present day. I can't help myself, but I continuously snoop through AJ's things. I mean, I will read his facebook, his e-mail, his old journals.
I stalk one specific girl, an ex of his, like crazy. I have found everything I can out about her, and it just makes me hate her more. AJ loved her for so long, and she left him, which already makes me hate her. I love AJ, you can't go around breakin' my Xander's heart. But worse, she is interested in all the zombie, guns, rock climbing things that AJ misses and is interested in. And of course, I enjoy me a good zombie here and there but it doesn't consume me like it does her. And then I find her model mahem account. And I see her naked. Which should just never happen. I should never see my boyfriends ex's naked. Now I consistantly compare myself to her. I see my own body in the mirror and wonder if AJ liked her's more.
We look pretty alike, she and I (at least to me we do) so that leads to more questions, is he thinking about her when we're having sex? It wouldn't be terribly difficult to do.
And all of this neurosis has caused me unending stress. I am always anxious. Scared. Uncomfortable with myself. I want to feel happy, I want to feel wanted, needed, etc. And it's not that AJ doesn't give me these things, it's just that I don't allow myself to feel it.
There is a lot that I need to do.

I need to let Gen go. I just need to let go of it and move on.
I need to forgive myself for all the things that I have done wrong in my relationship.
I need to forgive AJ for Kelsey.
I need to feel confident.
I need to understand my past mistakes and realize that I am part human, and I need to embrace the human side of me or the side that is angel will never be of any use to anyone. I am not one or the other. I am both. And I NEED to come to terms with that.